Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Scotch Egg Beholders

Few snacks are more quintessentially British than the Scotch Egg: a deep-fried hard-boiled egg encased in crumbed sausage meat. Few monsters are more quintessentially D&D than the Beholder: a floating, many-eyed aberration whose gaze destroys. Combine the two, and you create a singularity of hateful, sausagey deliciousness.

This ritual summons two Scotch Egg Beholders. Preparing the ritual takes roughly 30 minutes. Invocation time is between 10-20 minutes, depending on how many Beholders you can fit into your cauldron.

Ritual Components 
2 large eggs
220g/ half a pound sausage meat
1 tsp fresh thyme leaves
1 tbsp fresh parsley, finely chopped
1 spring onion (scallion), finely chopped
salt and pepper
dash of Worcestershire sauce (optional)
1 whole nutmeg (optional)
plain flour seasoned with salt and pepper, for dusting
24 cocktail onions
12 wooden cocktail sticks
1 egg, beaten
50g fine white breadcrumbs
vegetable or corn oil for frying
1 small slice of cheese (Cheddar, ideally). 
Preheat your furnace to 190C/374F/Gas mark 5.
1: Place the eggs in a pan of boiling water and cook for exactly eight minutes. Plunge into cold water and then carefully peel and place to one side. 
2: Place the sausage meat in a bowl with the thyme leaves, parsley and spring onion and mix well, seasoning with salt and pepper. Add a dash of Worcestershire sauce and a generous grating of nutmeg, if desired.  
3: Tear off roughly 80g of sausage meat and place to one side (this will form the Beholder's eyestalks). Divide the remainder in two and flatten them into fleshy discs.  
4: Dredge the eggs in a small handful of seasoned flour, and then carefully wrap the sausage meat around them to form a smooth surface. Make sure you've concealed all of your Beholder's eggy innards. 
5: Take 12 of your cocktail onions and impale them on cocktail sticks. Encase each onion in a thin coating of meat, with a smaller coating wrapped around roughly 2.5cm/1 inch of the stick beneath. It's fiddly, so be patient.  
6: Dip the Beholders and their eyestalks into their embryonic birthing pool (the beaten egg), and then carefully roll them in breadcrumbs. Press gently to ensure a good stick, and ensure every inch of their foul flesh is covered. 
7: Heat 4cm/1.5 inch of oil in a deep pan, until a piece of bread sizzles and turns brown when sacrificed inside. Now carefully deep fry your Beholder's bodies using a slotted spoon for about 4 minutes apiece, turning regularly until they're nicely browned. Place on a kitchen towel to drain, and then repeat with the eyestalks.
8: Transfer all parts to the oven and bake for about 5 minutes, or until golden brown. 
9: This is the trickiest part. Carefully cut a central eyehole into each Beholder's body using a sharp knife or scalpel. You're aiming to cut through the egg white into the yolk, which will form its pupil.   
10: Cut a leering mouth just underneath, but only deep enough to separate the breadcrumb crust. Use slivers of cheese to create horrid teeth (if you find them difficult to stick, use a dab of beaten egg to fix them in place). 
11: Now carefully cut a small eyehole into each eyestalk, exposing the pickled onion deep beneath. For extra measure, squeeze a second onion into each eye socket. 
12: Impale each Beholder's body with six* of the eyestalks, laughing maniacally as you do so. Place on a dish and serve warm (or cold, both work). 
*I know Beholders have ten eyestalks, but they don't fit. If that bothers you, you'll need to use an ostrich egg or something. 


  1. Yum, yum, yum! This really is as fantastic as you said Will. This is indeed a ritual worth doing. I didn't know if you'd include the recipe, but am very pleased to see it. I've always said people don't eat enough monsters. It's a total waste not to eat what you kill. Do you mind if I put one of your photos on my blog & link to this post?
    Did you ever see this? Time for pudding:

    1. Thank you! Link away - Beholders need to be eaten by as many people as possible. They're actually very tasty.

      Those cupcakes look delicious too! I must make some.

    2. I use licorice sticks for the eyestalks, not the wooden scewers: that way you can eat 'em too. Just put them in after baking, not before or they melt and droop!