Tuesday, 10 December 2013

Scotch Egg Beholders


Few snacks are more quintessentially British than the Scotch Egg: a deep-fried hard-boiled egg encased in crumbed sausage meat. Few monsters are more quintessentially D&D than the Beholder: a floating, many-eyed aberration whose gaze destroys. Combine the two, and you create a singularity of hateful, sausagey deliciousness.

This ritual summons two Scotch Egg Beholders. Preparing the ritual takes roughly 30 minutes. Invocation time is between 10-20 minutes, depending on how many Beholders you can fit into your cauldron.

Ritual Components 
2 large eggs
220g/ half a pound sausage meat
1 tsp fresh thyme leaves
1 tbsp fresh parsley, finely chopped
1 spring onion (scallion), finely chopped
salt and pepper
dash of Worcestershire sauce (optional)
1 whole nutmeg (optional)
plain flour seasoned with salt and pepper, for dusting
24 cocktail onions
12 wooden cocktail sticks
1 egg, beaten
50g fine white breadcrumbs
vegetable or corn oil for frying
1 small slice of cheese (Cheddar, ideally). 
 
Invocation  
Preheat your furnace to 190C/374F/Gas mark 5.
1: Place the eggs in a pan of boiling water and cook for exactly eight minutes. Plunge into cold water and then carefully peel and place to one side. 
2: Place the sausage meat in a bowl with the thyme leaves, parsley and spring onion and mix well, seasoning with salt and pepper. Add a dash of Worcestershire sauce and a generous grating of nutmeg, if desired.  
3: Tear off roughly 80g of sausage meat and place to one side (this will form the Beholder's eyestalks). Divide the remainder in two and flatten them into fleshy discs.  
4: Dredge the eggs in a small handful of seasoned flour, and then carefully wrap the sausage meat around them to form a smooth surface. Make sure you've concealed all of your Beholder's eggy innards. 
5: Take 12 of your cocktail onions and impale them on cocktail sticks. Encase each onion in a thin coating of meat, with a smaller coating wrapped around roughly 2.5cm/1 inch of the stick beneath. It's fiddly, so be patient.  
6: Dip the Beholders and their eyestalks into their embryonic birthing pool (the beaten egg), and then carefully roll them in breadcrumbs. Press gently to ensure a good stick, and ensure every inch of their foul flesh is covered. 
7: Heat 4cm/1.5 inch of oil in a deep pan, until a piece of bread sizzles and turns brown when sacrificed inside. Now carefully deep fry your Beholder's bodies using a slotted spoon for about 4 minutes apiece, turning regularly until they're nicely browned. Place on a kitchen towel to drain, and then repeat with the eyestalks.
8: Transfer all parts to the oven and bake for about 5 minutes, or until golden brown. 
9: This is the trickiest part. Carefully cut a central eyehole into each Beholder's body using a sharp knife or scalpel. You're aiming to cut through the egg white into the yolk, which will form its pupil.   
10: Cut a leering mouth just underneath, but only deep enough to separate the breadcrumb crust. Use slivers of cheese to create horrid teeth (if you find them difficult to stick, use a dab of beaten egg to fix them in place). 
11: Now carefully cut a small eyehole into each eyestalk, exposing the pickled onion deep beneath. For extra measure, squeeze a second onion into each eye socket. 
12: Impale each Beholder's body with six* of the eyestalks, laughing maniacally as you do so. Place on a dish and serve warm (or cold, both work). 
*I know Beholders have ten eyestalks, but they don't fit. If that bothers you, you'll need to use an ostrich egg or something. 

3 comments:

  1. Yum, yum, yum! This really is as fantastic as you said Will. This is indeed a ritual worth doing. I didn't know if you'd include the recipe, but am very pleased to see it. I've always said people don't eat enough monsters. It's a total waste not to eat what you kill. Do you mind if I put one of your photos on my blog & link to this post?
    Did you ever see this? Time for pudding:
    http://www.instructables.com/id/Beholder-Cupcakes/

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    Replies
    1. Thank you! Link away - Beholders need to be eaten by as many people as possible. They're actually very tasty.

      Those cupcakes look delicious too! I must make some.

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    2. I use licorice sticks for the eyestalks, not the wooden scewers: that way you can eat 'em too. Just put them in after baking, not before or they melt and droop!

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